Tatars and Cheese

Last night was one of the highlights of the year:  the Eurovision finals!

Eurovision is sort of a combination of American Idol and the Olympics.  Each country in Europe selects a team to compete for Best Song, with 26 countries making last night’s final round. 

Over 200 million people watch Eurovision, though I have yet to meet anyone who will admit to it. This is because many of the acts are cheesy.  Like, really cheesy.  Why do you think I look forward to it every year?

I have to say that the level of cheesiness was down a bit this year.  There was no bearded lady, no man running inside a giant hamster wheel. (Listen to me – I’ve only watched it for a few years and already I’m complaining about how much better it was back in the day.)

But I still enjoyed it.  Who doesn’t love watching an Italian singer belt out her number while standing on an island covered with giant flowers, like something straight out of Oz?  Or a Polish singer dressed like a refugee from Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band?

The cheesiest was Azerbaijan, a country you can always count on for cheesy.   Last year the Azerbaijan backup singers were bare-chested guys writhing on the ground wearing dog collars and leather leashes.  This year the backup singers included two bare-chested guys prancing around in football pants and gold-lamé shoulder pads.  

It seems like Azerbaijan is into the kinky stuff.  Must not be a lot to do there at night.

The scariest was definitely Cyprus, with a Death Metal band and lots of flames shooting around.  The singer looked he had just escaped from prison, maybe one of those Aryan Brotherhood guys.  At one point he just howled like a wolf into the microphone.  The rest of the band was locked inside a giant steel cage, which was probably for the best.  

Remind me to avoid Cyprus.

Going into the finals, the overwhelming favorite was the singer from Russia.  His song was average but the graphics displayed behind him were spectacular.  It must have taken some nerd many hours in front of the computer screen to design them.  Now we know how Edward Snowden has been keeping himself busy during those long Moscow winters.

But in a stunning upset, Russia finished third.  I think it was the doping allegations that did them in.

Australia came in second.  I am still trying to find Australia on a map of Europe.  But then, we Americans have always been bad at geography.

The big winner was Ukraine, with a song about how the Tatars were brutally expelled from Crimea by the Russkies.  Political songs are banned at Eurovision so the singer couldn’t actually name who the bad guys were.  Instead, whenever she sang the line about “and my grandmother suffered” she would turn and glare at the Russian singer.  We got the point.

The big loser was Germany, who finished dead last for the second year in a row.  Next year they can go for the trifecta!

KVS 

I think that's Tom Brady on the right

Poster boys for Cyprus tourism

And you wonder why Germany lost?